I don't know the last time that I had a full and complete at least somewhat rational thought. This would be me on the downward spiral of ADD. This is where I can't think at all. And I feel like I'm completely stuck drowning in this pit.
So many things are racing through my head. Anger towards parents who love to complain about their kids, joy over taking Jayden to the pool for the first time and the precious moment you experience when you realize how amazing it is that you get to see this little person's firsts..., gratitude for my church and the amazingly broken, honest, committed people there, embarrassment over the hypocrisy in my life, and it just keeps going.
But the one thing I'm trying to cling to just happened. I was so frustrated with Jayden. (my 7 month old little man) He wouldn't stop crying and it was beyond time for him to be napping. His preferred method of coping at that moment: screaming. I was so angry with him. I wanted to just walk away. I found myself ridiculously frustrated that he doesn't understand much English and that you just couldn't reason with him and help him see that napping would clearly be the best thing for all of us.
And then I realized. That's me. And God never walks out on me.
I looked deep into Jayden's eyes. I apologized for how angry I was with him. And I made a vow that went something like this:
Jayden Michael, I vow to love you. I vow that I will continually come back to giving you everything I have for all the days that God gives me. I vow to remember that you are an incredible gift and that even in the hard moments, it is an extreme privilege to walk through life with you. I vow to give you all that I can as your mommy. I vow to carry you when you need it (hopefully representing how God carries you), to hold your hand when life is hard and to watch and be your biggest fan when you don't need me. I vow to do my best to help you learn to depend on Jesus and to show you what His love for you looks like - the crazy, reckless, amazing love that He showed by His life and by His death. I vow to keep pursuing God and letting Him rip out and redo all the ugly, messy, warped areas of my life from my own issues and the things others have done in my life as well. I vow to give you all the love I can give, even when it's hard.
I think what I said was better then and that's when it mattered anyway. But there's an idea. And in an attempt to throw rocks at my ridiculous obsession with only putting "perfect" things out into the view of others...here it is unedited. And unperfect. And with a big thank you to my husband for teaching me that is okay to fail. I'm a blessed girl.
Great friends. Great man. Great God. Great church. Great spa... And GREAT kids