I held her. Her curly brown ponytail flattened into my face, but it didn't matter. I was holding her.
It's been a rough couple of days. My precious little lady has had a lot of Christmas, a decent amount of sickness, far too much candy and has emerged as a child who does not like to listen. It's seemed she has a honing device for all the things she could do that would bother me the most. I've felt like frustration was the new name for my path in life.
I've hated it. I don't like being annoyed by my child. I guess I have these idyllic dreams of every moment being grand. I know my moments with her will be all too short and I want them all to be dripping with warm fuzzies. And in those moments where I find her annoying, my heart breaks because I realize that she will probably feel this way about me at times, too. (Even though that has to be okay. I can be annoying. Everyone can...)
I decided the best thing I could do was take her out on a date. I needed to take her out - just the two of us - turn off every distraction and just breathe in that moment - with just her. She needed it. I needed it. And there in the movie theater, when we got three quarters of the way through the movie, the popcorn bag (yeah, I totally brought my own to save money... I admit it) had been decimated and she decided she'd rather sit in my lap, tears welled up as I pulled her close into me. In that moment, I regained vision. As her little body conformed into mine, I tried to take it all in. Every breath. Every scent. Every little detail. Because even though it's hard, there are only so many days where I'll be able to hold her on my lap. And one day I will likely hug her closely and have to walk away as she goes on to follow God wherever He leads her. But for this moment - I absorbed the snuggle. And I loved it.
So, in the midst of the struggle, I'll try not to lose sight of the snuggle... (Yep, that's a whole bunch of lame right there. And I like it.) And because pictures make everything better...
Dear, sweet Hannah...I love you. I love your silliness, your creativity, your personality and basically, your everything. Your entrance into my world has been one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. (Along with your precious little brother) I'm sorry for any of the times I've shown you anything less. Sometimes I'm tired and instead of having the patience I should for you, I just get upset. But know that is no indication that I love you any less. The reality is just that sometimes we'll be frustrated with each other, no matter how much we love each other. Thank you for going on dates with me. Thank you for not being afraid to be you with me. Your mom is not perfect, but girl, we'll get through this. I love you. I cherish my moments with you the same way you cherish Bolt. And I'll never forget today. Never.